How you define yourself

I'm OK. 

Which is something I didn't think I'd ever be able to say, at least not when I was a great deal younger.

Not being OK, or partly broken was so much a part of who I am and was it's hard to separate it out. But now I look at my life and while its not perfect I'm OK. And I wonder does it still define who I am now? So much so that when something good happens,  a part of me is always waiting for the bad to follow. Because deep down I don't think it can last. History has shown me otherwise, or is that just self fulfilling prophecy or worse some sort of warped coping mechanism.

I don't really have the answer.

However questions remain, more so because when I encountered others that have shared this kindred path of being so disconnected from life that you are fatalistic in all your outlooks. You know how to recognise it. And I think do they see it in me? Do I wear it like a badge or am I now normal?

When is it safe to be happy?

Like millions all over the world I love watching Game of Thrones and the brutality of it doesn't shock me quite as much as it should. Not because I've read some of the books or because I can predict this or that in the plot. Because I already see a world where the hero dies, where evil flourishes. And therefore I wonder when I'm happy am I just sticking my head in the sand.

Or is it alright to pretend even for a short while.


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