2013 Closer to Fine

Retrospectives generally trigger a Team America style montage and nausea in my head so I'm not going to run over 2013 in an event by event fashion.

Those who've known me a while will probably understand why December is far from my favorite month of the year. Not to mention Mariah Carey's siren tones generally stir an large
bout of horror for me. *shudder*
But I assume she has this effect on everyone.

Back to topic, I wasn't looking forward to this 23rd December but picking a single day to be sad seems to me to be rather forced. Perhaps we should feel melancholy whenever it hits (remove pointy objects) and run with happiness while you have it.

To get to the point, this year has certainly been eventful.
Not one aspect of my life is the same as it was 7 months ago.
I still wake up and wonder where the hell I am.

Some of these changes are brilliant (new job, new flat, degree sort of done) while others are painful but for the best, like the divorce.

So much for planning ahead!
Thanks life didn't see this one coming.

However the over whelming care I've had from people, has been the most comforting and kind experience of my life.  Even when their own lives were in turmoil or they barely knew me. Amazing people gave me all their time, generous hearts and patient ears.

How you all put up with is I'll never know...it was the free heroine wasn't it?

At one point I think I gave Paradise Beach a run for it's money.

Then there are so many interesting, funny and outright crazy people I've meet this year. I used to be to shy to answer the phone at work and would hide under the table rather then talk if there was more than one person present. Apparently daydreaming about being a megalomaniac socialist dictator is not going to win friends and influence people...or will it.

But getting out and actually talking to people seems to be working OK, not been stabbed yet!

All this is a really long way of saying let's eat a tonne of cake, shot zombies and not worry too much.
It's only life after all.



I've been having a run of bad luck lately.
Not going to divulge all the details, that would bore you and me.

Now the worst part of it all are two common comments I keep hearing...
1. "Bad things happen in threes" because that implies well now you've had one bad thing its ok, more is on the way! Just what you want to hear. However, how much of that is a self fulfilling prophecy? At the moment it would appear bad things happen in Nines, but why not Hundreds or Thousands?
2. "It'll be alright". It bloody well better be or I'm getting off this rock.

In truth I'm not really annoyed more bemused.

Time to buy a lottery ticket, can't get worse right?


What it feels like

About 9 years ago I was given a copy of a book called "what it feels like". 

It was one of the most fascinating books I'd read and as imitation is the highest form of flattery I wrote a few pieces of my own over the years. Mostly as a bit of fun and sometime as an exercise to get through bouts of writers block. Nothing as exciting as losing fingers to frost bite (like Ranulph Fiennes) but then again I do like keeping my appendages.

Anyway here is one I wrote if anyone is interested
What it feels like to have a broken heart.
You get a stabbing pain in your chest that feels like someone is very slowly driving a blade through your ribs. Whatever was once beautiful in your mind now leads to tears and life seems like the shadow of a dream, too elusive to really remember.
You wonder if evey moment was a a twisted lie. Looking for all the hidden signs that were never there. A still hollowness takes the place of the world and all colour and sound seems some how muted. Every emotion is so intense you feel as if you are losing grip on reality, as day to day tasks require the utmost attention to barely hold on. 
At points your brain plays tricks on you allowing to hope or negotiate a resolution that will restore all you've lost. The meaning in everything is faded like an old watercolour landscape. If you eat at all food becomes a daunting task, a painful necessity that does nothing to sustain you. The hollowness never abates.
All people seem like merchants of judgement and sympathy. Every word is dissected and replayed on a torturous loop until you scream inside, blaming all on yourself. Part of you wants to feel angry but another feels too guilty to contemplate this. Nothing makes any sense. 
Then one day you wake up. 
The pain in your chest has given way to a silent barren wasteland.  
Emotionally vacant. 
Everything is replaced by a numbness that you know isn't right but easier to bear.


Sister for sale?

Found a another devil to purge.

Today I heard a child about 7 or 8 ask when his new baby brother was going back to the shop.

Kids, far more cunning than you want to believe.
When I was a child I'd often thought about trading my sister for a troop of Camels. 
Before you judge me please note my sister is four years older than me and younger siblings should never be held to account for thinking of ways to depose their elders. Also camels would be far nicer than she and worth about £1, 000 each, I calculated that 10 would of been a fair trade. 

I mentioned this to my late father once, he initially agreed and then scolded me but I knew his heart wasn't it. In reality I'm sure he really did see the sense in my scheme. As you've guessed my sister remained part of our household and I settled on stealing her shoes from time to time as compensation. I think this is a most equitable remedy.


Gonzo the ever living...

This is Gonzo our fish. You might be thinking that this is rather terrible picture of a fish and why on earth is it being posted on line. You may also be thinking that he is dying. I assure you its not the case. If it is, it's the longest death I've ever seen.

One day I looked into our tank and there he was at the bottom, floundering and looking like breathing was painful. I thought sadly to myself that he wasn't going to make it through the week. Everyone else that saw him thought the same and then he started losing all colour. He was already about three years old and at the end of the day pet fish often die, three years was a good life span but the end was near.

Poor thing.

Poor us, waiting everyday to see, is this the day?

That was two years ago.

Other, healthier fish came and went but not Gonzo, he keeps on going. He lies at the bottom of the tank everyday. For those fish keepers out there - its not swim bladder or an infection or any other fish aliment I can find. In fact for about one hour every evening he acts like a regular fish, doing what fish do. He even seems fine with the frogs blindly stepping on him.

Now I just take it that that he is the LAZIEST fish alive. There can't be anything wrong with him as he just keeps living!

It is bizarre.

Only one conclusion remains, I think my fish is possessed by Mumm-Ra